10:48 p.m. - 2004-07-11
FUCK YOU
I'm going to kill that fucking bitch. There are no words for my hatred of her. I can't believe she would be so stupid to fuck up something so fragile as this. THAT MOTHER FUCKING SKANKY NASTY WHORE!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'm close to a nervous breakdown. No one cares that what they're doing may affect me. Not me, but certainly my heart. My heart is involved in their lives. They don't give a fuck. My poor niece is never going to know a normal life now. Never. You stupid fucking slut! I hate you!! I HATE YOU!!!
If Bub had never moved to this god-forsaken town, if her father wasn't involved with drugs, if her mother just left her where she was, if I had never bothered to tell JR about Stephanie, if he had never eaten lunch with me, if we hadn't encouraged them, if we hadn't supported her, there will never be enough "if"s and there is not a way in hell that this can ever be fixed.
It's my fault ok? Does it make you feel better? It's my fault I ever said anything to JR about Stephanie. It's my fault for being involved with any of you!! I should have just wandered around stupidly on my first day of high school rather than meander over to Sus and K. I should've left JR to his fruitless flirtations with Lotz and KC. I never should've called TC a fuckhead and forced him to ask Ryan out before he was ready. I never should've flirted with him when they broke up. I never should've burned Jay. Who knows if I was even meant to go out with him? And if I was, was I meant to break up with him? And if I was, was I supposed to pick up with TC? If I had just left all of you to your own devious betraying devices, I would be mentally sound. It wouldn't tear the shit out of me to think of what could happen to my niece. Because I wouldn't have a niece. I wouldn't have my best friends. Or maybe I would have different ones. It would be better. It would be better.
I hope you're all happy with your fucked up existences. Not lives. You're barely being. I'd like you all to know that when I go to the gyno tomorrow I am asking her to see a shrink so I can get some meds and so I can divulge my dark and twisted life to him or her. Shrinks are trashcans. They are giant trashcans you can pour your lives into. And I need one cuz I don't need this life. I don't need you. Any of you.
The best friends you can ever have are the ones you never meet.
I know you all don't care that you've fucked up your own lives. I'm sure you don't even care that you fucked up mine. I just want you to know that you did. And you did a mighty fine job. And I don't want you to think I'm thanking you in any way. In a year I am going to college. And I am not coming back. On every vacation in the coming year I won't even be here. I can't stand this town. I can't stand you people. I don't know how you can stand yourselves. But you have miraculously done it for years.
I wish I could leave and forget about you, but the truth is I can't. I can't forget about my 8 month old niece. I can't forget about K fucking Sus behind my back. I can't forget Sus stabbing me so relentlessly. I can't forget Jay; it was like looking into my own soul.
So K is hopelessly in love with me and Sus is trying to ignore it while he's on a week long canoeing trip down the Erie. Bubby is a fucking horrible mother who leaves her baby with a nearly-convicted pedophile/rapist. 19-year-old JR is "dating" a 12-year-old slut while trying to get his daughter back. JS, I hope you know you've destroyed any faith I might've had in you. I will never trust you again. I'm not even sure if I could speak to you again. JR, I hate you. How could you do this to us? To your daughter? I thought you had changed. Maybe I was wrong. K, I will never forgive you so stop wasting your breath apologizing to me while I'm sleeping. You will never have me again. You burned me. You burned my very being. Sus, I love you with all my heart, but I will never forgive you for what you did to me. It will always hurt. It's in the back of my mind, which is as far as it will go, but I hope it won't come up again. Bub, I don't think I ever want to speak to you again. You hurt me very deeply. You probably don't even know it because you're not thinking of it. I don't care. I don't care about you anymore. Jay, I will always feel for you, but you can't keep coming back into my life and asking me if I have any regrets. You really don't have the right. You're about to be a father and not with me. As politely as I can, leave me alone and be with your family. Thank you for all that you've done for me. TC, you confuse me. I love you and I hate you at the same time. I can't put into words what I want to say to you.
My life is ruined. I never want to speak to you again. You have no idea how crushed I am. No amount of apologizing would fix this. Even if you thought of trying.
"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Well, God must not exist cuz he's killing me.
I don't want to know anything that doesn't have to do specifically with my life anymore. Leave me alone. You've all taken enough of me, there's barely anything left for me to sew back together.
How could you be so cruel?
I'm unlocking this diary because I really don't care what you have to say about what I write. It's none of your fucking business anyway. So JS, if you feel the need to share my personal life with your family, go ahead cuz I don't give a shit. You already know how I feel about you and I hope you never forget. In fact, as long as you know what I think about you, you practically have my permission to write a book about my tormented life. I hope the entire world reads my journal. Because then they'll know what you've done to me. Then everyone will know what kind of people you are. And everyone will know about the girl you killed. I'm dead. Everyone will know soon. I hope this hits you hard.
I don't know if I will continue to write in here. If you happen to be reading this page and haven't already done so, go back and read about the last two years or so of my life. Maybe you'll cry. Maybe you'll shiver. Maybe you'll press the 'X' in disgust. I just hope you feel something.
