6:11 p.m. - 2004-11-28
a dream is a wish your heart makes
Hi! Washington was awesome. I didn't want to leave. I wish I could post the incredibly clear pictures I took with my mom's camera. More on D.C later.
I have issues. Haha, none of that now. I can think of a few of you who probably walk around in a shirt that says that in pink glitter or something. Anyway, I don't remember if I wrote in here about it, but I was having major problems in October. In fact, I don't think I did write about it because there was a long period of no entries and then my "hello zo_loft". I was overwhelmed with school and my parents' money issues and college applications. I was so sick of everything that I wanted to get my GED and just be done with it. Well, I'm back to that now. I haven't done history homework in weeks. I'm at least a chapter behind everyone else. I just can't bring myself to sit down and write notes. I just don't work that way. As a result, I have a 76. I have an 80 in chorus that I just can't explain. It's my best subject! I love to sing. And I can honestly say that I have a fairly decent voice. I've gone to all my lessons and gotten 98s. I'm always in class. Ech! Chem - now there's a bad one. I have a slowly dropping 86 because I can't keep up with labs. We have one almost everyday and I just can't keep track. Doan's on my case because he knows I'm slacking. He's pissed. To tell the truth, I'm scared of him. He yells and gets angry easily. I've never had a teacher as volatile as he is. English 11 is doing fine. I have an 89 because I keep having to chase my assignments and tests. I keep missing class for one reason or another - sick, doctor's appointments. I admit...I skipped once I believe. But it wasn't that class. I skipped chem and history. I just couldn't take it. I drove around with my cousin tearing my hair out. I don't think she noticed. I was on the edge of tears. I actually didn't want to skip English because I like the student teacher, but everyone else gives him a hard time. It reminds me of Ms. Daum in my freshman Spanish class. New teacher, nervous, passive... They gave her a hard time every goddamn day. I skipped her class just because I couldn't watch. She was a wonderful person. I was her favorite. She'd let me sit there and read because I had my work done half an hour earlier. She'd talk to me when she got a chance. She was nice. DJ, the student teacher, is nice too. Gotta love that curly hair. He just seems to rub everyone else the wrong way.
Off track here. I can't do this school thing anymore. I can't tell anyone tho because they'll all say "I told you so". They always told me I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to handle the workload. It's not that I can't. I could do it if I wanted. But I don't want to. I am too lazy and I know it. I have to force myself to do anything and even then it might not get done. I'm so behind it's not funny. I just don't want to do it. There is no joy in school. The teachers I need help from aren't approachable (by my standards). I'm afraid of them. It's true. I'm a wuss. I just need some guidance. I just can't find it anywhere...
All these guys keep following me around drooling. I call them my puppies. They're hopelessly "in love" with me and I just can't understand why. I'm not particularly beautiful. I'm not witty. I'm not thin. (Not to say I'm fat. I'm curvy, but I actually have meat on my bones.) All I can think is that I must have some kind of charm. Pheremones or something. They're everywhere. Turn a corner. Open a door. Walk out of the bathroom. And the sad part is, if they don't already have a girlfriend, they're hinting to me that I need to be their girlfriend. I'll admit, it's flattering. But that's not how I work. Love isn't when you run into him as you turn the corner to the stairwell. It's that out-of-body feeling. I know it exists. I've felt it. It just never lasted. That's not to say I'm not happy with TC. I'm just looking for an outlet. Some guy who doesn't have a girlfriend and who isn't desperate.
I keep dreaming about various guys. Last night it was DJ. I had dream after dream all night long. It was like a continuous movie. Something like Holocaust (lengthwise). I don't remember why it was that he showed up. I think I was supposed to be in his class, but I had skipped again. He found me behind some kind of curtain outside. I think I was crying. He sat down behind me and gave me a hug. It was the best hug I've ever had. It was kinda sad that it was a dream, huh? And then he turned me around and kissed me. It seemed like he'd been dying to do it for a long time. But it was just a dream. And that was the only time I saw him. I think. Still, he was so cute. I'm kinda glad that I don't have the same taste in guys as the other girls in school. That means he's just mine. In my dreams anyway. Don't worry. I won't go nuts and stalk him. That's just overboard. Like Nicci. *shiver* It can't hurt to have a crush on a student teacher. He'll leave in December. Every other girl has had a crush on Mr. Stewart and Mr. Ross and Scalise. I've never had one before. He'll probably never know about that dream anyway. I mean, how likely is that? It's even less likely that he'll say anything even if he does find out. Dreams are good. Know why? They're unfulfilled wishes fulfilled while you sleep. And no one else has to know. That's not to say that I wouldn't have liked that if it wasn't a dream... ;-)
Goodnight, people. I still have a shitload of stuff to do that probably won't get done. I'm actually almost finished with Catcher in the Rye. I just found out what the title means. Have a wonderful night and delightful dreams. Ta!
