10:09 p.m. - 2005-04-27
unfeeling
He didn't call me yesterday or today. Obviously that means he never came home either. Surprise.
What does "stuff" mean? There's a reason why we don't write essays with "stuff" or talk about "stuff" unless the other person knows what we're talking about! The several people I've asked think that it sounds like he's getting his shit together. I still don't know if that means he'll be home tomorrow, next week, next month, never... The one guy friend I asked gave me a total line of bullshit. He said that Tom will be back, don't worry. He sounded doctor-like and stupid. He's just going through a lot, but he'll be back. He'll probably stop smoking pot when the baby comes. My friend was trying to make it sound like that's what he would do, but we all know it's not true. Either he was spouting a load of crap trying to make me feel better or he totally didn't know how to answer my question. There are other reasons why I can't believe him, but they're hard to explain unless you know him.
I know Tom's been going through a lot. He's been weird for the past five months which should give it away immediately. I understand that we're in an overwhelming situation. But why can't he just talk to me? Why can't he say that he's depressed, he's panicking, or whatever? If he wanted to leave all he had to do was tell me. I would have understood. I would definitely have been hurt no matter what, but I wouldn't have tried to fight him too hard. Maybe he has already left and I just don't know it because I can't figure out what "stuff" is...
I know I should be feeling some kind of sadness. All I'm really feeling is frustration and a little anxiety. I keep my cell phone with me all the time, but I can't cry at the prospect of being a 17-year-old single mother. I know it's hard to be a single parent. I think the main reason I can't grasp my feelings is because I don't really know what's going on. Maybe I would be much less pissed with him if he would just explain it to me...
I go to sleep thinking about this. I go through my entire day thinking about it. But I can't decide how I feel. I'm not stressed. Just obsessed. I can't remember the last time I forgot how to express or realize my emotions.
