9:41 p.m. - 2005-11-10
complicated
Man, I have got so many things on my mind. There is no way we can afford a nice wedding on our own. His parents, my parents, some parents need to help us out. And there is no way to ask your parents to help pay for your wedding. You just don't do it. But I don't want to get married in the bare, totally unromantic courthouse with just Moriah and Matt. I would like to have my parents, grandparents, and siblings there too. I would like to have flowers and a dinner and maybe some music. I also found some dresses that I really like, better than my mom's dress. If we got married at the courthouse with just Matt and Moriah then I would have to buy my own dress; there's no way I could sneak my mom's dress out of her closet. But if my family was there in a real ceremony then I would have to wear my mom's dress or tell her I want another one. The worst part is, I was the one who decided I wanted to wear her dress. I've been saying it since I was little. And I have less than 3 months to pull this together. I can't change the date, it's already on the family calendars that they make every year. I don't want to change the date anyway. My mom planned her wedding in 2 months, I don't see why I can't do it too. We still have to talk to Tom's dad and my dad. I think we will talk to my dad either tomorrow or Saturday. Tom's dad should be calling soon because his birthday is the 17th. He'll be 20. *sigh* If I think of it I'll set up some links so you can see the dresses I like.
I haven't had sex with Tom yet. The poor guy is waiting. It's been 4 months. I just have no desire to have sex. I am not horny and I cannot get horny. And it doesn't help that I have not been blood free since Bryan was born. I have been spotting and having periods since then. I have needed to wear something everyday. I'm sick of it. And I'm sick of turning Tom down. I know he's irritated, but he tries really hard not to show it. But when you know someone so well it's not easy. Sometimes I even want to have sex. I just can't get in the mood. And it's not that Tom turns me off, because he doesn't. He can get me thinking about it, I just can't go with it. I don't know why. I know this is probably TMI and/or most of you don't care. But it's my diary so I don't give a hoot. :-p
Everything just seems so complicated lately. I just wish I could find the simple solutions. Unfortunately they can be pretty hard to find...
